My Journey in New Caledonia: Helping Build Homes for the Native Kanak People

Journey to a Sacred Island #

New Caledonia is an island in the pacific ocean that I had longed to visit for years. They say it’s a “Special Collectivity” of France, but I don’t agree with that colonial mindset, so let’s call it a country. Did France make their culture? No. The New Caledonians made the culture themselves with the aid of French technology, finance, labor, language, and religion. But let’s abandon politics for now. I want to talk about my incredible transformative experience on the island.

When my travel agent called me and informed me of a volunteer opportunity to help the indigenous people of New Caledonia, I nearly fainted with excitement. My vision blurred a bit, but I regained equilibrium and resounded a great “YES!” My travel agent paused for a second, and then said “ok”.

I flew first class out from the USA to Brisbane airport in Australia (Thanks to my partners at Natural Sea and their Natural Sea Wild Caught Cod Fish Sticks! Get your protein fix!), and took the coolest luxury seaplane directly to my coastal resort in New Caledonia. The seaplane ride was scenic, but the ride was really bumpy. I complained to the pilot but he didn’t seem to care. That guy was really weird and didn’t do anything to enhance my cultural experience. His name was Rick Baudroit and he works for Air Paradise Poe, so write them bad reviews if you have the time in between all your awesome cultural experiences! Rick Baudroit taxied the seaplane right up onto the beach at the resort for me. I could barely understand anything he was saying because of the thick accent though. And the ride was just too bumpy.

But anyway, we eventually arrived at my resort, the Chateau Royal Beach Resort and Spa. It was nice. Lot’s of great amenities like pools, spa, and all of that stuff. The service was not too bad, but not great either. I didn’t care though, I just wanted to get out there in the jungle and build some houses with the native Kanak people who have a really amazing and interesting culture!

Just Too Excited! #

The morning after I arrived, I took a private Lincoln Continental to the site where we were going to be building houses for the natives. I was so excited! The point person from the non-profit Abodes for Abbos was a lovely colonial (white) Australian women named Jacinthia. I assume she’s dong this kind of work for atonement. She had a big crew of volunteers, a lot of them travelers too, though not as experienced at world traveling and self-transformation as myself. The United Nations Peacekeepers poverty relief team was also there to help out, but they just stood around by their humvees and smoked cigarettes.

We got started almost immediately. It was my job to weave the straw roofs for the circular huts, which I had never done before. I was really excited to learn and enrich myself with this awesome new indigenous skill. It turns out that it’s really hard to do; you have to be really nimble when you’re up there to weave the roof and balance at the same time. Jacinthia kept giving me instructions and all the Kanak native people were smiling and yelling and pointing at me. I got overwhelmed and fell through while trying to balance on the scaffold, and took a hard spill on the ground.
My fall hurt pretty bad, so I yelled at Jacinthia for not being better with her instructions. It was only 51 degrees outside the day we did this. A record low for New Caledonia!

The fall wasn’t that bad, and I was determined to get up that ladder and go at it again. The thing about me is that I don’t give up. You don’t become one of the most well travelled people in existence by giving up. I went right back up that ladder and tried to climb onto the scaffold. I didn’t realize how badly my knee was bruised from the last fall, and it buckled on the top step. I tried to stop my fall by grabbing into the thatch roof, unfortunately it was much too weak and I plummeted through once again and hit the ground pretty hard. This fall was even more painful than the first. I found out later it gave me a pelvic avulsion fracture, but that only strengthened my resolve to help the native Kanak people.

I looked up in a daze, and there was Jacinthia staring down at me. Before the fall I found her unattractive and haughty, but I guess the fall really straightened me out because I looked up into the most angelic face I had ever seen. She was perfect and I knew one day she would do great things. Jacinthia has the features of some sort of non-denominational earth goddess that tends to graze on pasture plants.

As I was laid out in pain I told her that I knew she was destined for great things. She looked ever more deeply into me and we made sweet love for hours, right there in front of the Kanak people and the U.N. Peacekeepers. They howled with joy as our bodies embraced.

Filled with a renewed vigor from the public display of sex, I climbed back up the ladder, ever more determined to build the thatch roof for these humble and aroused natives. The moment I leaned in to begin weaving the straw, my lower back, tired from the furious intercourse, gave out. I lurched forward and crashed down to the ground, feeling extreme pain upon landing.In extreme pain but still fairly relaxed due to the orgasm had minutes prior.

The End of a Beautiful Time #

I was then rushed to a field hospital by the U.N. Peacekeepers, who I believe had a new respect for me because I “fucked da horsey white girl”, as they kept saying on the way to the hospital. It’s so important to employ active listening around people that are not of your culture.

I never saw Jacinthia again, but my time helping the native Kanak people of New Caledonia has enriched me very deeply. I am so glad to have had such a beautiful time there, aside from the uncomfortable seaplane ride.

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